All I had left was my dignity...not any more.

Hi all!

So yesterday was my friend's 18th birthday/Halloween party. His girlfriend organised the party for him at her house with a guest list of around 20 to 25 people. The preparation started off well, I got ready at home and celebrated my Aunty's 62nd birthday before my dad gave me a lift over to my friend's place, where four of us were meeting to walk to the party together. We met up and walked which took around 10 minutes, but we got there in the end, with a little extra frizz added to my hair. It was the first time in four months that I had straightened my hair, I guess you could say I made an effort. Although it was Halloween themed and neither me or my friends dressed up. We were the first few people there and the minute we got in, I poured some vodka and lemonade for myself. 3/4 vodka, and 1/4 lemonade. It was some pretty strong stuff. The first gulp was like a vindaloo down my throat and a burst of fireworks in my stomach. But I kept going. I hadn't planned on getting drunk or staying sober, so I just went with the flow. One of my group of four friends wasn't drinking tonight because he was still hungover from the night before, the rest of us had no such promises. After the vodka came the sudden urge for a cigarrette so we went out and puffed on a cheap Mayfair. As the night progressed, I ended up extremely drunk, and unable to stand on all fours. My friends had to take care of me as I was a complete mess. I was talking but I couldn't make sense of what was coming out of my mouth. All my strength had dissappeared, resulting in me carelessly throwing myself on anything and anywhere. The night's embarrassment consisted of me proclaiming that I was a lesbian. I had to be kept away from a particular girl because according to my friends, I wanted to stick my tongue down her throat. One girl ended up kissing me and apparently I bit her. Following on from that I bumped my head on a radiator from sliding off the couch carelessly. The consequences of that would be felt today, and yes I feel it, it's like a pimple riping on the back of my head, about to pop any minute. I grinded up against my closest guy friend and told him I loved him. I continuously tried to kiss him and grope him. Thank God he didn't respond and just tried to keep me away from any more trouble that night. But of course that's not all, I ended up on top of one of my girl-friends and licked her face dry on the sofa. I also tried to change the songs on the laptop and started typing on the keyboads with my face plastered to the screen but then eventually realised I would make it through the entire name of the song so I gave up and sat in a corner, hoping I would die any minute. Bad luck, Rosy, still alive and the disgraces continued. The hostess of the party said no smoking in the house, so me and my friend went out her back door which was right next to the living room and smoked outside, however witnesses have said I repeatedly puffed my cigarrette inside and tried to go indoors with my fag in my hand. I lost both pairs of my earings, my scarf and my vest which was undermy top. I have yet to remember how I got my vest off. I then thought I was going to puke so my guyfriend and my girl-friend took me to the toilet. I stuck my head down the toilet bowl and sniffed the toilet. Eww. My hair was wet from the toilet water and I got the toilet brush out, to be stopped by my friends shortly afterwards and calmed down. We layed on the toilet floor for a while until they decided it would be best if I danced the alcohol out of my system. Another one of my friends, who never drinks was somehow drunk tonight. We were like a pair of five year old girls who'd just found out they were going to DisneyLand. We were stripped of our alcohol, but we wanted more. We went into the bedroom and retrieved two cans of Budwieser from my bag and sipped away, only to have them removed from us seconds later. Soom after I slammed the door into someone's face. I lifted up my friend's dress, I touched up one of the girls there, only to be faced with a stranger afterwards. This stranger looked like Wentworth Miller in the dimmed lights. I walked up to him and said "I smoke, do you smoke". He said "no" but I don't mind that you smoke. If I remember correctly I ended up sticking my tongue down his throat repeatedly, my friends kept separating us but I wasn't having it. He looked like God to me then, unaware that he was taking advantage of the situations. I continuously told him he smelt good and kept on kissing him throughout the night. My friends had to call the Taxi and hour early because neither me nor my friend could control ourselves anymore. We battled against everyone from leaving and ran back indoors several times. The last time I ran back indoors I jumped into the arms of my Wentworth Miller lookalike. I couldn't remember his name.

We got in the Taxi and had to have the child safety lock put on because I kept opening the door. I repeatedly leaned onto my guy-friend the entire journey and told I wanted to have sex with him, but only if he were taller. Once we got in I had to be changed by my bestie and my phone was founded by another girl at the party who returned it to me ten minutes later. My and my drunk friend wasn't done yet. We spoke crap and disowned everyone we could possibly name. We got our boobs out to our two other friends, one of them the guy, and SHE got her pubes out to everyone. She hadn't shaved.

All in all, I feel like I'ved lost all my dignity, feminity and any trace of humanity left in me. I promise to never drink again. Well Vodka that is. ;)



Do you ever feel as if everyone around you just bombards you with disappointment everyday?

I can happily say I am one of the disappointment victims. I suppose it is just part of life and we have to accept it, but surely if you had the right sort of people around you, you shouldn’t have to deal with it right...? Being disappointed by those around you shouldn’t just be a part of life. People should have true senses and meaning and understand when they do something wrong, and how to fix it. But I guess that’s not reality, that’s my imagination telling me how I want life to be, but it’s just not. I am disappointed by my family, my friends, my teachers, people I don’t know, my best friends and my enemies. Family should be here to support you, but sometimes it feels as though they are here to take advantage. They take advantage of the situation and twist it to suit them and please them. In the end they don’t really care what you feel; they care about how to make themselves feel good from your misery. Friends should be supportive and caring, but most of all, good listeners. When they fail to do this, who do you turn to, when you can’t turn to family or friends, who do you turn to? The answer is simple... No one. There is no one here to talk to and no one here who will truly understand your pain, your suffering, your judgement, your tears, your joy, your jealousy, your hate, your regret, your life.
Being disappointed should be expected by everyone, when you teach your kids about life, make sure to tell them to be ready for many disappointments from everyone they encounter in their life. If not, they’re screwed. However, some may say it is easier to just go on with it as if it doesn’t affect you. Maybe I should, maybe we all should. We learn a lot from fairytales. We learn that it is not, never were and never will be a true reflection of life. So we teach our future generations something which is so incredibly beyond reality. Fairytales should be banned. Especially from children.
Sometimes you just wish you could go somewhere, anywhere to get away. The only possible place to me is what there is after life. Is it worth being suicidal over?
On earth we have both hell and heaven; we just have to look for it. The good times and real laughs, our happiest moments, that is heaven. The torture and torment from those around us, the arguments and the abuse we get from people, that is hell. If you haven’t found your heaven yet, keep searching, maybe you’re in the wrong place. If you haven’t found you’re hell yet, be happy and exert your happiness onto others to prevent them from seeing hell.
Life is what we make it, and we can make it bad or good. We should have the freedom to be able to choose who we want to be and be that person. But in reality, we are all living a different life and our imagination runs wild about the things that we really want from life. We are confronted with a view on life that is beyond existence and yet we have to believe that that’s what true happiness is. The celebrities we see on covers of magazines, newspapers, computer homepages, the sides of sides and whatever else is what we all want to be. Why? Because they look beautiful and happy. And being beautiful and happy is what we think is ‘in’ and ‘normal’, but in reality, we give importance to nonsense. Soon life will be over and although some say ‘I have no regrets’, or ‘I lived my life to the full’, they are sometimes the ones who regret the most, and weren’t able to do what they really wanted.
The happiest people in life are sometimes the saddest. They put up this wall of strength, courage and laughter to cover their tears, anger, and sorrow. But sometimes it all gets too much. Even the strongest get weak. The happy mourn. The wealthy seek happiness. And the poor rejoice with what they have. A little bit of nothing is sometimes exactly what we need. We may not want it, but we certainly need it. Sometimes being cramped with material things bears no importance, especially when you have yet to find who you truly are. We all get lost, some more that others, but when we lose who we are, that’s when it’s time to re-think our life and do it over. 

Life isn’t worth living if we don’t know what life is.