Feeling like shit...


               It's   20:26pm, on a friday night. Wednesday was the first day of A2, since then I have felt like complete shit. No motivation whatsoever. One of my best guy friends are holding a party tonight at their house. His parents are away for two weeks so he's got the house to himself. He's invited around 24 people, including me. I decided I was going about three weeks ago when he said he was having it. There was me, my best friend and my other friend. However one of those friends said she couldn't go because something else came up. She was going to a gig. One of the many hundreds gigs she goes to. Me and her never even spend any time together, and yet she was still going to ditch me to go to a gig she'll probably forget the day after, with her other friends from London. She knew I wasn't going to go without her and yet she didn't seem to give two shits about it. So I asked my other friend if she was going on wednesday, she said maybe, she might show up for like an hour or so, and I said same. Come today, friday, the day of the party she says she's not going anymore, so I say ok neither am I then. Come quarter to six, 15 minutes before the party starts, she texts me saying she's going to the party "for a couple hours, just telling you". I feel like absolute crap. She doesn't even invite me to go with her. I immediately know she's going with some other friends whom I don't speak to. She only texted me so she didn't feel bad, and yet she didn't say who she was going with. I cried for a while. Now... I'm on my bed, thinking about what a nice time everyone is having, cuddling up next to my teddy, and under my covers, sniffling. The sudden burst of tears comes along every five minutes. I try not to think about it, but it's hard. When you feel so alone, worthless, unwanted, ditched, uninvited, and alone some more, it's hard not to cry. I even felt suicidal earlier. I know a simple thing like this shouldn't make me feel this crap, but I hardly even go out with my friends, I feel like they don't even like me. Only when I'm in school and they have no one to talk to do they come and sit with me, apart from that, I'm left pondering on an empty sofa in the common room. Although I'm not completely alone, I do feel like I am. My suicidal thoughts come and go. They've been coming more than going lately though. I'm starting to get scared. This is the second night in a row I've felt sad like this, and cried none stop. My parents don't know. My brother doesn't know. Only I know, and that's the sadest part because I have no one to speak to. My parents will think I'm crazy or over-exaggerating, my brother will laught at me and think I'm joking. I laugh a lot to hide my sadness. It's amazing how I can walk through the halls at school and no one really knows who I am and what I'm thinking.


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