|Me and my brother (Jerome) on holiday last year|
So I've been making youtube videos for a while now, but been debating upon whether or not I should upload them onto my blog, so I decided I should. So here's all my videos that are on youtube. My channel is:
It's 20:26pm, on a friday night. Wednesday was the first day of A2, since then I have felt like complete shit. No motivation whatsoever. One of my best guy friends are holding a party tonight at their house. His parents are away for two weeks so he's got the house to himself. He's invited around 24 people, including me. I decided I was going about three weeks ago when he said he was having it. There was me, my best friend and my other friend. However one of those friends said she couldn't go because something else came up. She was going to a gig. One of the many hundreds gigs she goes to. Me and her never even spend any time together, and yet she was still going to ditch me to go to a gig she'll probably forget the day after, with her other friends from London. She knew I wasn't going to go without her and yet she didn't seem to give two shits about it. So I asked my other friend if she was going on wednesday, she said maybe, she might show up for like an hour or so, and I said same. Come today, friday, the day of the party she says she's not going anymore, so I say ok neither am I then. Come quarter to six, 15 minutes before the party starts, she texts me saying she's going to the party "for a couple hours, just telling you". I feel like absolute crap. She doesn't even invite me to go with her. I immediately know she's going with some other friends whom I don't speak to. She only texted me so she didn't feel bad, and yet she didn't say who she was going with. I cried for a while. Now... I'm on my bed, thinking about what a nice time everyone is having, cuddling up next to my teddy, and under my covers, sniffling. The sudden burst of tears comes along every five minutes. I try not to think about it, but it's hard. When you feel so alone, worthless, unwanted, ditched, uninvited, and alone some more, it's hard not to cry. I even felt suicidal earlier. I know a simple thing like this shouldn't make me feel this crap, but I hardly even go out with my friends, I feel like they don't even like me. Only when I'm in school and they have no one to talk to do they come and sit with me, apart from that, I'm left pondering on an empty sofa in the common room. Although I'm not completely alone, I do feel like I am. My suicidal thoughts come and go. They've been coming more than going lately though. I'm starting to get scared. This is the second night in a row I've felt sad like this, and cried none stop. My parents don't know. My brother doesn't know. Only I know, and that's the sadest part because I have no one to speak to. My parents will think I'm crazy or over-exaggerating, my brother will laught at me and think I'm joking. I laugh a lot to hide my sadness. It's amazing how I can walk through the halls at school and no one really knows who I am and what I'm thinking.
Some people just try way too hard to be included. They will go to any lengths to be liked by others, even if it means forgetting who they really are along the way. Some lie, others fake it, and the minority just don't do anything...at all. This way they keep out of trouble, but remain unhated. Some people at my school are so fake, both to themselves and others. I couldn't live like that. A while ago there was a huge argument involving one of my best friends and another group of people that we had just befriended (although not for long). There was one particular girl in the group who always felt the need to be centre of attention. I hate people like that. It's always about her and never about anyone else. Somehow all her groupies were under her spell and followed her around like lost drooling puppies. It was sad. I despise her. Up to this day we don't speak, we sit at the complete opposite ends of the common room, and never look at each other. She is the type of person who makes me cringe. She's selfish, self-conscious, self centered, self obssessed, self imposed, and then selfish some more. She tries to be liked by everyone, that she doesn't realise she just pushes people away. She loves the attention so much, she'd risk anything for it. She tries too hard to be different, that she ends up attracting the wrong crowd. The worst part?, her foundation is the thickness of my toast in the morning, and her lipstick makes her look like Dracula, of course not forgetting the ever so dark eyeshadow, it's like someone punched her in both eye balls before school.
Anyhow, my point is... I don't understand how some people can take so much shit from others, never standing up for themselves. I learnt that if you don't stand up for yourself, you'll always be the one below everyone else, because nobody knows the other side to you. Everyone has a double side, some even a triple side. A side they try to hide away from others, because they don't trust it, they don't yet know it. Let that side come out and you'll know who you really are, because right now, you're just being who other people want you to be, you're repressing your true feelings because you're afraid others won't like who you truely are.... How will you know if you don't let go?