Imagination vs reality?


             Some people won't understand it, but when you live with someone you have a deep hatred for and wish nothing but hurt and pain upon, life isn't so rosey sweet...

             This person has caused me so much pain in my 17 years of life. Both mentally and physically. I live with this person. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about what this person did and how it is impossible to un-do. No one can feel how I feel, and no one can understand how I feel until they can tell me they went through the exact same thing. I have no one to share to this secret with apart from my teddy, who knows how much I cry and scream in my pillow some nights when the anger and rage over what this person has done takes over me. I cannot show my feelings, not even to the person I care most about in this world. Why?...Because that would ruin everything. I would ruin everything. I don't want to be the person that breaks them apart, although in my eyes it is well  deserved as this person deserves nothing else but to be left to rot in his own SHIT.
           The words that come to my mouth whenever I think of what happenned seven years ago, I have to scream in my own head so no one knows my hidden secret which I am today mentally obssessed with, unwillingly. I do not know how I have managed to keep this secret for so long. Every day it eats me up. Bit by bit. And yet I am absolutely muted. I try to imagine myself telling people about it, and then I try to say it out loud, nothing comes out. It's too painful to even let my lips utter the words of evidence. Everytime I do try to say it out loud, I'm scared that person is listening, or someone else is listening, and then who knows what might happen. Maybe they won't believe me. Maybe they'll think I've gone mad. What if that person denies it. Then what?
         It's hard putting on a brave smile every day as if your life is perfect. Even though I know if I just speak to someone about it, even that one person whom i love so much and might believe me, everything might turn out ok. That person could be out of my life forever, and I would never have to worry about it again. My mind would be free. I would not have to live with those tainted memories ever again. I would not have to see that person's face again. I would just be me. But I don't even know who me is. That person has stopped me becomming me. Everytime they are close to me, I freeze up. My brain stops functioning, my body feels numb,  and the sudden urge to just grab a pan and slam it across their face and see the blood pour out from his skull... the imagination is satisfying for a while, until I'm snapped back to reality, and they're he is in front of me...

How do you know if what's in your brain isn't just something you've made up, or could it be real?... If no one else knows about it, there is no evidence. The story could reverse back on yourself, and you'll be the one to blame, they'll walk away with free hands.

Life sucks. Rosy...the victim. xoxo

No comments:

Post a Comment