That feeling you get when you find yourself angry at you for not trying hard enough, although you know you did everything you possibly could... Recently I've applied for the position of Head girl at my school, after being dragged into it by my head of sixth form and friends. I had been debating whether or not to apply, but my fear of public speaking was too intense, and I knew I had to do a speech in front of all my peers and tutors, including the head teacher. My head of sixth form said he'd consider my application and encouraged me to apply for a role of public leadership within the school. That gave me a huge load of confidence, so after careful thinking, I typed up my application letter and handed it it the next day. Then came the speech. I don't know why I was so worried, I mean I did GCSE Drama for Christ’s sake. My legs were shaking and my hands were unstoppable. Came my turn and I slowly raised from my chair and made my way up to the stage, where my heart started pounding, my ears were red hot and feet shaky. However I made it through my speech and it was all over.
I started debating upon my decision to put myself forward as Head Girl after, I started having doubts. Considering who I was up against, the school's popular sweetheart, whom everyone loved and adored, and the female comedian who knew everyone and liked everyone, and was liked BY everyone, then me, the nobody. I know half the girls in my year group absolutely loathed me and I knew I couldn't count on the boys votes as they would all be voting for the most popular and good looking girl. The votes that I could count on though was myself, my dear friend who was up for deputy head boy and my closest girlfriend. My two other good friends who were not in the crowd, their votes couldn't be counted, so yes only three votes were confirmed I think. Then came Monday morning. I walked up into the common room with no hope, and found that my thoughts were actually reality. I wasn't Head girl. The popularity vote has once again conquered the sixth form common room and as I thought, popularity ALWAYS fucking wins all. I'm glad I didn't have false hope and now I felt like shit. No other words to describe my feelings at that particular moment, but pure shit. I sat down next to my friend and just ranted on about why my life is so depressing. I received a handed letter from my head of sixth form shortly afterwards, saying how I had been unsuccessful and blah blah blah and how they had offered me a place as a committee member. No thank you. I don't take second best. I know who I am, I know what I am capable of and I don't need your offer to be 'committee member' to feel better about myself. Although, I did forget to mention that we had an interview after our speech to say why we wanted the role, and I did say I would take other roles if I wasn’t offered the main position I applied for. But I wasn't thinking about it in context back then, I felt obliged to say that, now I see the true colours of the situation and I know for a fact I won’t be accepting that offer now, tomorrow or ever.
I'm the type of person who lets their feelings get in the way sometimes, I can't help it but I do and there is nothing I can do about it. Something as small as this made me so angry that I left the school and just came home and applied to another school. Dumb?... to a certain extent yes, but the small things in life build up to create a huge unforeseen reaction sometimes. From this I've learnt that I need to put my feelings to one side at times, but it's hard, when people bring you up to do things that you don't want to do and then fail you at the end of it. Confidence lost, but will be regained in the future. But for the present, I feel undervalued, undeserving, lost, sad, angry, pissed off, frustrated, and confused. I have questions but I know I don't want to hear their answers. All I know is that I always build myself up to big things and then get disappointed by those around me. Whether it be at school, at work, at home. Everywhere is the same. Everyone is so concerned with themselves and their outlook on others that they forget even the simplest things. People get hurt along the way and nobody gives a fuck. What I feel only I can feel, and I don't expect anybody else to feel what I feel, but I also don’t expect anybody else to judge or question why I feel the way I do. Feelings are individualistic. Right now I feel embarrassed, and I don't want to see anybody from school. I’m dreading going to school tomorrow, as I feel on a day to day basis. but I’ll live, I’ll get through this, and I will learn from my mistakes, from my surroundings, from those around me, and from mistakes that other people make.
People can tell you how you should be and what you should and shouldn't do, but if you're so passionate about something, then no one can tell you otherwise. They don't know what you're thinking, they can only try to imagine what you think and feel. Only you're you, and you can be no one else, therefore I accept it, and live it.