Ok so I ordered these cuties on monday and got them delivered super quick, as always with Regal Rose. They were only £8 and with delivery I think it came to about £9 something. But OMG how cute? The tiny skull is ridiculously cute :)
When you feel at a loss. Like there is no reason, no hope, no pain...just sadness taking you over. Eating you up inside. Until someone close to you brings it up, and you feel muted, because what you want to say and what you want to be heard, won’t come out. It’s locked up inside you, it doesn’t want to come out. Because if it came out, it would be unexpected, unwelcomed, uninvited. You’re scared yourself of what would out, if anything did come out. You’re always kept it in, you’re secrets, you’re thoughts, you’re anger, you’re hatred, you’re sadness, you’re true happiness, the truth. But that truth came out a while ago. And since then, the secret turned into a deep sadness. That sadness still lingers around you, looking at you, following your trail. It knows the real you more that you know yourself. It sees you from outside, it knows your true colours. Once this sadness disappears, who knows what’s lurking underneath. The person knows what they want, but they don’t say. They know how they feel, buy they can’t describe. They know how to act, just to be brave. They cover it up. They cover who they truly are. Why ? ... because they were never allowed to be the real them. They felt ashamed of who they were, ashamed of their past. This shame is their only love. A love they seek the truth in. They have no voice. But the ears they have hears it all. Why do you need a voice when you can hear. One day, that person will hear what they want to hear. Until then, they keep it inside, more secrets, more lies, more anger ... until they find their voice. A voice people will be scared of. A voice people will not want to hear. A voice people will be weary and scared of. With that voice, comes the figure. The face of sadness. A sadness so misunderstood, it will bring its audience to a stand still. To tears ... tears of pity. When will it end. You’ll have to wait and see. . . for when that day comes, you will have never felt such great happiness and joy in your life. A joy so immense, you forget you were ever sad.
So yesterday was my friend's 18th birthday/Halloween party. His girlfriend organised the party for him at her house with a guest list of around 20 to 25 people. The preparation started off well, I got ready at home and celebrated my Aunty's 62nd birthday before my dad gave me a lift over to my friend's place, where four of us were meeting to walk to the party together. We met up and walked which took around 10 minutes, but we got there in the end, with a little extra frizz added to my hair. It was the first time in four months that I had straightened my hair, I guess you could say I made an effort. Although it was Halloween themed and neither me or my friends dressed up. We were the first few people there and the minute we got in, I poured some vodka and lemonade for myself. 3/4 vodka, and 1/4 lemonade. It was some pretty strong stuff. The first gulp was like a vindaloo down my throat and a burst of fireworks in my stomach. But I kept going. I hadn't planned on getting drunk or staying sober, so I just went with the flow. One of my group of four friends wasn't drinking tonight because he was still hungover from the night before, the rest of us had no such promises. After the vodka came the sudden urge for a cigarrette so we went out and puffed on a cheap Mayfair. As the night progressed, I ended up extremely drunk, and unable to stand on all fours. My friends had to take care of me as I was a complete mess. I was talking but I couldn't make sense of what was coming out of my mouth. All my strength had dissappeared, resulting in me carelessly throwing myself on anything and anywhere. The night's embarrassment consisted of me proclaiming that I was a lesbian. I had to be kept away from a particular girl because according to my friends, I wanted to stick my tongue down her throat. One girl ended up kissing me and apparently I bit her. Following on from that I bumped my head on a radiator from sliding off the couch carelessly. The consequences of that would be felt today, and yes I feel it, it's like a pimple riping on the back of my head, about to pop any minute. I grinded up against my closest guy friend and told him I loved him. I continuously tried to kiss him and grope him. Thank God he didn't respond and just tried to keep me away from any more trouble that night. But of course that's not all, I ended up on top of one of my girl-friends and licked her face dry on the sofa. I also tried to change the songs on the laptop and started typing on the keyboads with my face plastered to the screen but then eventually realised I would make it through the entire name of the song so I gave up and sat in a corner, hoping I would die any minute. Bad luck, Rosy, still alive and the disgraces continued. The hostess of the party said no smoking in the house, so me and my friend went out her back door which was right next to the living room and smoked outside, however witnesses have said I repeatedly puffed my cigarrette inside and tried to go indoors with my fag in my hand. I lost both pairs of my earings, my scarf and my vest which was undermy top. I have yet to remember how I got my vest off. I then thought I was going to puke so my guyfriend and my girl-friend took me to the toilet. I stuck my head down the toilet bowl and sniffed the toilet. Eww. My hair was wet from the toilet water and I got the toilet brush out, to be stopped by my friends shortly afterwards and calmed down. We layed on the toilet floor for a while until they decided it would be best if I danced the alcohol out of my system. Another one of my friends, who never drinks was somehow drunk tonight. We were like a pair of five year old girls who'd just found out they were going to DisneyLand. We were stripped of our alcohol, but we wanted more. We went into the bedroom and retrieved two cans of Budwieser from my bag and sipped away, only to have them removed from us seconds later. Soom after I slammed the door into someone's face. I lifted up my friend's dress, I touched up one of the girls there, only to be faced with a stranger afterwards. This stranger looked like Wentworth Miller in the dimmed lights. I walked up to him and said "I smoke, do you smoke". He said "no" but I don't mind that you smoke. If I remember correctly I ended up sticking my tongue down his throat repeatedly, my friends kept separating us but I wasn't having it. He looked like God to me then, unaware that he was taking advantage of the situations. I continuously told him he smelt good and kept on kissing him throughout the night. My friends had to call the Taxi and hour early because neither me nor my friend could control ourselves anymore. We battled against everyone from leaving and ran back indoors several times. The last time I ran back indoors I jumped into the arms of my Wentworth Miller lookalike. I couldn't remember his name.
We got in the Taxi and had to have the child safety lock put on because I kept opening the door. I repeatedly leaned onto my guy-friend the entire journey and told I wanted to have sex with him, but only if he were taller. Once we got in I had to be changed by my bestie and my phone was founded by another girl at the party who returned it to me ten minutes later. My and my drunk friend wasn't done yet. We spoke crap and disowned everyone we could possibly name. We got our boobs out to our two other friends, one of them the guy, and SHE got her pubes out to everyone. She hadn't shaved.
All in all, I feel like I'ved lost all my dignity, feminity and any trace of humanity left in me. I promise to never drink again. Well Vodka that is. ;)
Do you ever feel as if everyone around you just bombards you with disappointment everyday?
I can happily say I am one of the disappointment victims. I suppose it is just part of life and we have to accept it, but surely if you had the right sort of people around you, you shouldn’t have to deal with it right...? Being disappointed by those around you shouldn’t just be a part of life. People should have true senses and meaning and understand when they do something wrong, and how to fix it. But I guess that’s not reality, that’s my imagination telling me how I want life to be, but it’s just not. I am disappointed by my family, my friends, my teachers, people I don’t know, my best friends and my enemies. Family should be here to support you, but sometimes it feels as though they are here to take advantage. They take advantage of the situation and twist it to suit them and please them. In the end they don’t really care what you feel; they care about how to make themselves feel good from your misery. Friends should be supportive and caring, but most of all, good listeners. When they fail to do this, who do you turn to, when you can’t turn to family or friends, who do you turn to? The answer is simple... No one. There is no one here to talk to and no one here who will truly understand your pain, your suffering, your judgement, your tears, your joy, your jealousy, your hate, your regret, your life.
Being disappointed should be expected by everyone, when you teach your kids about life, make sure to tell them to be ready for many disappointments from everyone they encounter in their life. If not, they’re screwed. However, some may say it is easier to just go on with it as if it doesn’t affect you. Maybe I should, maybe we all should. We learn a lot from fairytales. We learn that it is not, never were and never will be a true reflection of life. So we teach our future generations something which is so incredibly beyond reality. Fairytales should be banned. Especially from children.
Sometimes you just wish you could go somewhere, anywhere to get away. The only possible place to me is what there is after life. Is it worth being suicidal over?
On earth we have both hell and heaven; we just have to look for it. The good times and real laughs, our happiest moments, that is heaven. The torture and torment from those around us, the arguments and the abuse we get from people, that is hell. If you haven’t found your heaven yet, keep searching, maybe you’re in the wrong place. If you haven’t found you’re hell yet, be happy and exert your happiness onto others to prevent them from seeing hell.
Life is what we make it, and we can make it bad or good. We should have the freedom to be able to choose who we want to be and be that person. But in reality, we are all living a different life and our imagination runs wild about the things that we really want from life. We are confronted with a view on life that is beyond existence and yet we have to believe that that’s what true happiness is. The celebrities we see on covers of magazines, newspapers, computer homepages, the sides of sides and whatever else is what we all want to be. Why? Because they look beautiful and happy. And being beautiful and happy is what we think is ‘in’ and ‘normal’, but in reality, we give importance to nonsense. Soon life will be over and although some say ‘I have no regrets’, or ‘I lived my life to the full’, they are sometimes the ones who regret the most, and weren’t able to do what they really wanted.
The happiest people in life are sometimes the saddest. They put up this wall of strength, courage and laughter to cover their tears, anger, and sorrow. But sometimes it all gets too much. Even the strongest get weak. The happy mourn. The wealthy seek happiness. And the poor rejoice with what they have. A little bit of nothing is sometimes exactly what we need. We may not want it, but we certainly need it. Sometimes being cramped with material things bears no importance, especially when you have yet to find who you truly are. We all get lost, some more that others, but when we lose who we are, that’s when it’s time to re-think our life and do it over.
Life isn’t worth living if we don’t know what life is.
|Me and my brother (Jerome) on holiday last year|
So I've been making youtube videos for a while now, but been debating upon whether or not I should upload them onto my blog, so I decided I should. So here's all my videos that are on youtube. My channel is:
It's 20:26pm, on a friday night. Wednesday was the first day of A2, since then I have felt like complete shit. No motivation whatsoever. One of my best guy friends are holding a party tonight at their house. His parents are away for two weeks so he's got the house to himself. He's invited around 24 people, including me. I decided I was going about three weeks ago when he said he was having it. There was me, my best friend and my other friend. However one of those friends said she couldn't go because something else came up. She was going to a gig. One of the many hundreds gigs she goes to. Me and her never even spend any time together, and yet she was still going to ditch me to go to a gig she'll probably forget the day after, with her other friends from London. She knew I wasn't going to go without her and yet she didn't seem to give two shits about it. So I asked my other friend if she was going on wednesday, she said maybe, she might show up for like an hour or so, and I said same. Come today, friday, the day of the party she says she's not going anymore, so I say ok neither am I then. Come quarter to six, 15 minutes before the party starts, she texts me saying she's going to the party "for a couple hours, just telling you". I feel like absolute crap. She doesn't even invite me to go with her. I immediately know she's going with some other friends whom I don't speak to. She only texted me so she didn't feel bad, and yet she didn't say who she was going with. I cried for a while. Now... I'm on my bed, thinking about what a nice time everyone is having, cuddling up next to my teddy, and under my covers, sniffling. The sudden burst of tears comes along every five minutes. I try not to think about it, but it's hard. When you feel so alone, worthless, unwanted, ditched, uninvited, and alone some more, it's hard not to cry. I even felt suicidal earlier. I know a simple thing like this shouldn't make me feel this crap, but I hardly even go out with my friends, I feel like they don't even like me. Only when I'm in school and they have no one to talk to do they come and sit with me, apart from that, I'm left pondering on an empty sofa in the common room. Although I'm not completely alone, I do feel like I am. My suicidal thoughts come and go. They've been coming more than going lately though. I'm starting to get scared. This is the second night in a row I've felt sad like this, and cried none stop. My parents don't know. My brother doesn't know. Only I know, and that's the sadest part because I have no one to speak to. My parents will think I'm crazy or over-exaggerating, my brother will laught at me and think I'm joking. I laugh a lot to hide my sadness. It's amazing how I can walk through the halls at school and no one really knows who I am and what I'm thinking.
Some people just try way too hard to be included. They will go to any lengths to be liked by others, even if it means forgetting who they really are along the way. Some lie, others fake it, and the minority just don't do anything...at all. This way they keep out of trouble, but remain unhated. Some people at my school are so fake, both to themselves and others. I couldn't live like that. A while ago there was a huge argument involving one of my best friends and another group of people that we had just befriended (although not for long). There was one particular girl in the group who always felt the need to be centre of attention. I hate people like that. It's always about her and never about anyone else. Somehow all her groupies were under her spell and followed her around like lost drooling puppies. It was sad. I despise her. Up to this day we don't speak, we sit at the complete opposite ends of the common room, and never look at each other. She is the type of person who makes me cringe. She's selfish, self-conscious, self centered, self obssessed, self imposed, and then selfish some more. She tries to be liked by everyone, that she doesn't realise she just pushes people away. She loves the attention so much, she'd risk anything for it. She tries too hard to be different, that she ends up attracting the wrong crowd. The worst part?, her foundation is the thickness of my toast in the morning, and her lipstick makes her look like Dracula, of course not forgetting the ever so dark eyeshadow, it's like someone punched her in both eye balls before school.
Anyhow, my point is... I don't understand how some people can take so much shit from others, never standing up for themselves. I learnt that if you don't stand up for yourself, you'll always be the one below everyone else, because nobody knows the other side to you. Everyone has a double side, some even a triple side. A side they try to hide away from others, because they don't trust it, they don't yet know it. Let that side come out and you'll know who you really are, because right now, you're just being who other people want you to be, you're repressing your true feelings because you're afraid others won't like who you truely are.... How will you know if you don't let go?
Some people won't understand it, but when you live with someone you have a deep hatred for and wish nothing but hurt and pain upon, life isn't so rosey sweet...
This person has caused me so much pain in my 17 years of life. Both mentally and physically. I live with this person. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about what this person did and how it is impossible to un-do. No one can feel how I feel, and no one can understand how I feel until they can tell me they went through the exact same thing. I have no one to share to this secret with apart from my teddy, who knows how much I cry and scream in my pillow some nights when the anger and rage over what this person has done takes over me. I cannot show my feelings, not even to the person I care most about in this world. Why?...Because that would ruin everything. I would ruin everything. I don't want to be the person that breaks them apart, although in my eyes it is well deserved as this person deserves nothing else but to be left to rot in his own SHIT.
The words that come to my mouth whenever I think of what happenned seven years ago, I have to scream in my own head so no one knows my hidden secret which I am today mentally obssessed with, unwillingly. I do not know how I have managed to keep this secret for so long. Every day it eats me up. Bit by bit. And yet I am absolutely muted. I try to imagine myself telling people about it, and then I try to say it out loud, nothing comes out. It's too painful to even let my lips utter the words of evidence. Everytime I do try to say it out loud, I'm scared that person is listening, or someone else is listening, and then who knows what might happen. Maybe they won't believe me. Maybe they'll think I've gone mad. What if that person denies it. Then what?
It's hard putting on a brave smile every day as if your life is perfect. Even though I know if I just speak to someone about it, even that one person whom i love so much and might believe me, everything might turn out ok. That person could be out of my life forever, and I would never have to worry about it again. My mind would be free. I would not have to live with those tainted memories ever again. I would not have to see that person's face again. I would just be me. But I don't even know who me is. That person has stopped me becomming me. Everytime they are close to me, I freeze up. My brain stops functioning, my body feels numb, and the sudden urge to just grab a pan and slam it across their face and see the blood pour out from his skull... the imagination is satisfying for a while, until I'm snapped back to reality, and they're he is in front of me...
How do you know if what's in your brain isn't just something you've made up, or could it be real?... If no one else knows about it, there is no evidence. The story could reverse back on yourself, and you'll be the one to blame, they'll walk away with free hands.
Life sucks. Rosy...the victim. xoxo
I was just reading one of my favourite bloggers blogs, beautycruch http://beauty-crush.blogspot.com/ and she was wearing these unbelievably cute shorts. So I went on the link and OMG!!, these shorts are super hot =] Had to share a few of my favourites:
Nicola robert's 'Lucky Day' video.
I do not own this video.
Forget the song, what on earth is she wearing?...
As society starts questioning artists such as Rihanna and Lady Gaga's dress sense, out comes the innocent Nicola Roberts, whom we have all loved and known through the girl band 'Girls Aloud', wearing a tiny dress, uncovering her leapard print undies. I mean if this is the message that artists are trying to put out there, then I don't want to be a part of it. The only things young girls can look up to nowadays are what they are shown, may it be on TV, on the radio, magazines, newspapers. It's all the same and it's all wrong. If young children watch videos like this, they'll think it's ok to walk around in public like this. It's the norm to dress three year old tolddlers in something similar to this, it's cute, but for a 25 year old woman, it's scandalous, disgraceful, degrading, and merely offensive to women.
Mothers I ask you this... would you let your girls walk around in something like this? ... I didn't think so either.
Ok so I’m only 17 years and one month of age, but I am already sick of living. Is that bad?. I can’t see how people make it to 50. I’m scared I won’t. I find it tough to imagine and even comprehend how some people manage to wake up each morning and go on with their lives, knowing they have an wonderfully stimulating day ahead of them. In this society, that is what we are made to believe. It’s what we see day after day on the newsstands and on our laptop homepages. Celebrities out and about ‘living’ their lives, and then us... watching them live their lives (or is that just me?).
I’m 17 and I don’t know what to look forward to when I wake up in the morning. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know what I want to be. I don’t know if I want toast or cereal, and I don’t know if I’ll be spending the day clued to the TV, watching endless repeats of ‘Pretty little liars’ and ‘Friends’. At times I’m so confused about life that I feel so small compared to everyone else (even though I am 1m75), I feel alone, and just completely unaccompanied. Even though I have a big brother (whose never around anymore, because he’s too busy either working, or at the gym, or obsessing over his bike and his cycling gear, or at a friends’ BBQ, or out to the pub, or at a night club), a mum whom I love very much, and a dad, whom I’d rather just not say anything about as he is not worth my breath...literally.
School holidays are meant to be pleasurable and exhilarating for everyone, but not for me. I’d much rather be at school. That way I can be away from home. But when I am at school, I wish I could jump off the sixth form bridge outside our common room just to escape the noise of everyone else around me. People annoy me. I don’t have one person in my life whom I can share my real thoughts and feelings with. No one understands, although I cannot verify that as I don’t tell people anything about me and how I feel. The girls at school are as fake as Pamela Anderson’s tits, and the boys are just rude and well, to be fair, just as fake and judgemental as the girls. Teachers are just there for the payslip and the long school breaks. Parents are just there for food and shelter. And me, what am I here for?